Alphabet Soup - M is for Me Day Mondays

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My sweetie left for Cuba yesterday, with a gaggle of our friends. I miss him already. I made it through the night though. No nightmares. Now I sit back and relax and enjoy the rest of this week of bachelorette living :)

Okay, so maybe not that wild. I am proud to say that I went to bed at a decent time last night. It meant that I was up early to enjoy this day, which started out with a good chunk of time in bed, catching up on blog reading.

After the Breakdown (aka 6.8.10), my bed was my favourite place to be. Second favourite was the couch. Usually with the lights low and the curtains drawn. As I started to get stronger, I did the classic me and tried to do everything, and take on too much. I remember having low key weeks, time at home, an art class, an appointment or two, and then the weekend would hit and I would want to make up for it, and keep up with my sweetie. Needless to say, by Monday morning I was exhausted and needing recuperation time.

Except I would feel stressed and guilty about everything I wasn't getting done. J came home one Monday eve to me in tears because of all the things I felt I hadn't accomplished. We sat down together and wrote out a list of everything I had done that day. It was quite extensive. Though I hadn't left the house, I tackled what some people would take on in a week. Two things happened that day. First, I started making those lists at the end of every day, so I could bear witness to how much I was doing and connecting it to how I was feeling. It only took a week or two to get the point across.

The second thing we instituted was a "Bed Day". Just because I was getting better didn't mean that I had to be all the time. It was okay to have a day to put it all down. Just rest and relax and recharge, and do what I wanted to do, not what I felt I needed to do. I loved my bed days. I had a reason to say no to things, not schedule things that day.

As I continued to heal, my bed stopped being my favourite place to be, except when I'm curled up with my sweetie nodding off to sleep. If I want to be there at other times, it's a good sign that I need to recharge, or I'm getting sick. I was fighting off a bug last week, and it drove me up the wall that I needed to be in bed. I think that's a good sign

Now, I have Me Days on Mondays. For a while that meant At Home Days, which was needed to preserve and refuel my energy. As I shift away from that it gets a little blurrier... about what falls on which side of the Me/Relax line.

Not having my sweetie here this morning made me realize that the best first step to Mondays is not getting up right away. The rest I'm sorting out. I've really enjoyed having an art filled morning so far. Updating my 365 pictures on Flickr, spending time with Picnik, making a really cool folded origami envelope out of wrapping paper to send something to my snail mail buddy B at Sweet Limes... all made me happy and calm.

I can't show you what I sent B, yet.. though I can finally show you the ATCs I made in January :)





Now we shall move on to the photography portion of this program :) There have been a lot of floral photos in my collection lately. No apologies. It means I've been getting a lot a flowers lately!


Alli's theme this week at Happy Monday is Yellow. I love this picture. The petals of the pink flower in the background curling through, trying to embrace the daisy.

I had a little fun playing with it in post. Dropped the exposure a little and raised the temperature, which brought more of the yellow out in the centre of the daisy. I love the little dusting of yellow on its petals. And then, I couldn't resist and had a little rendez-vous with Picnik. A little vignette was all I needed...

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This next shot is something I hope to working on this week. I love this shot in theory. All I've done to it so far is a little crop. I want to soften out the skin, make it less pink, except that would involve masking and PhotoShop (insert scream from Psycho). I downloaded the MCP mini-fusion action last week and I have been planning to learn how to use it. It's on my list for this week.

Lucky me, Ashley Sisk, of Good to WOW, is going to be showing everyone how it works! Hopefully I will have something a little different to post up and show you on Thursday!

In the meantime, I will enjoy staring at that sunny day we had at the beach, and miss my sweetie something fierce.

Alphabet Soup - L is for Like

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope to be celebrating with my sweetie tonight over a scrumptious dinner of bison steak and raw oysters! And maybe some baked pear stuffed crepes drizzled with the tiniest amount of melted dark chocolate.

edited in Picnik

And on this day dedicated to Love, I want to talk about Like.

I don't think I learned to fully Love until I better understood Like.

I had all the classic textbook behaviours and responses. Poor boundaries. Letting people in too easily. Sharing my story and my space, too soon. Accepting less than I deserved. Putting their needs before mine. Appeasing. Leaving behind a piece of myself each time I finally walked away.

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes (M&S 1)

Whenever I met someone new, I fell in Love, with the idea. Immediately. I saw everything I wanted, to see. I was blinded.

And so began the dance, the pitch, the performance. Marketing myself, driven by the fear of losing the opportunity.

If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.

So I started to take care of me. Started to get to know, me. I took myself away for my birthday - stayed at a B&B with a hot tub, took myself out for dinner and bought myself a ring. Because I was beginning to Like me.

And I made lists. Detailed lists of what I wanted. Which helped me become more Discerning. Still, I was giving too many chances. Stuck on the possibility. Wanting to prove myself right.

Then, finally, I turned that corner. Realized that I would rather assume guilt, until innocence was proven. Or, rather, Unknown until proven Known. Love was allowed to rest on the shelf, until Like had entered the room.

And chances were not given. It was freeing, to decide "I Don't Like".

And so I will be found
With my stake stuck in the ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul

You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine (M&S 2)

That's when I met the Love of my Life. In the most common of places. I took my time deciding if I truly Liked him. All of him. And he was busy teaching me about Love.

Now I have both, Like and Love. I don't think I could have had one without the other.

And when I started to realize that I truly Liked me, our Love blossomed even more.

How glad I was to be myself
And use my heart once more

And love that (man) that I adore

Well my eyes shall see light again
And my heart shall bleed right again (M&S 3)

1. Mumford and Sons - Awake my Soul
2. Mumford and Sons - Roll Away your Stone
3. Mumford and Sons - Banjolin Song

Alphabet Soup - K is for...

Alphabet Soup - J is for JOY

Alphabet Soup Sunday is growing and evolving. I think they would be more aptly named Alphabet Soup of the Soul now, as they share a little insight into me, are often somewhat cathartic, and tend to appear a lot closer to Monday than Sunday ;)

I woke up this morning happy, no, excited. I woke up excited this morning. Kind of like this:

I woke to the birds and the best of intentions.

I will try every way I know to express them.

Adapted from Breakthrough

by Isaac Dust

What a fabulous way to start a day!

For starters, today is the last day for submissions to the JOY photo challenge. I will be posting them up for you to indulge in first thing in the morning. That means you still have one more day to grab your cameras, or dig through your photo boxes and media files!

There will be a week of voting to decide the winner, and then? Following that, there will be a week of voting on my potential B.F.A. application/portfolio submissions. I need your help! (insight, feedback, gentle critiques). So exciting!

~***~

Ok, so let's talk about Joy! Here's the plan. I'm going to pour my heart out a little, and share with you what's been going on the past week and a half. Then I'm going to have a bit of a creative projects show and tell. Then I'm going to give it up to you to share some Joy, since it's my favourite topic!

Here's a little something to listen to while you're reading this :) One of my faves, from back in the days...

If you've been reading along with me lately you will know that I've been having a grand ol' time! Conferences and day trips, gaining and gifting blog awards, two excellent days at my dreamy new part-time job, my very first ever guest post and a super fab and swanky date with my sweetie. And, on several occasions I was told that I had made someone's day! All of that crammed into the past 9 days.

It was probably one of the most rewarding weeks I've had. It was also one of the most challenging. That's the beauty of Joy. It carried me through, and I was still able to share it with you.

What you probably didn't see through all this triumph, was me in some wicked Serotonin Withdrawal. If you, or someone you know, is taking, or considering taking, an SSRI (anti-depressant and/or anti-anxiety), please listen up, then go online and do as much research as you possibly can. I thought that I had done well, and was reducing mine carefully. I could have done more to avoid this incredibly intense roller coaster I've been riding for 2-3 weeks.

The first couple of days were great. Then I turned into the Hulk with PMS and a constant low-grade migraine. It started out as a tight head and dizziness, and a slight edge of nausea. Then we threw in some sucky-ness, whiny-ness and the easily weepies. Which could quickly turn to irritability, rage, and explosiveness. Oh, and the self-doubt, unforgivingness and extreme sensitivity to even a whiff of perceived control. (Those last three were a lovely combination with my excellent timing of trying to implement more structure and scheduling into my life!)

Thursday was the worst of it. That moment on the roller coaster when you're slowly click, click, clicking to the top of the biggest hill, and you look down and think, how am I ever going to survive this? Thursday I had an I'm not leaving the house day, well, more like an I'm not leaving my bed day. I couldn't even tolerate light. These are the types of days I had plenty of when I first fell to the mercy of this breakdown. I hadn't had a full cocoon day like this in months. (The quiet also helped me realize that I was also experiencing brain-zaps (paresthesia) which can be best described as a pulse-like shock or shiver).

This is the point when many people coming off of anti-depressants/anti-anxieties give up. They think that maybe they weren't ready. Also, one of the things you might read in the online forums, is people in the middle of withdrawal, swearing that they never would have gone on them in the first place if they knew what it would be like to get off of them. I want to add a little balance to that perspective.

Disclaimer - I am not a doctor, I don't play one on tv, and I'm not sleeping with a drug rep.

• Choosing to go on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication to deal with the Post-Traumatic breakdown was a tough decision. I used to work in mental health services, and I knew logically that they could help get me to a place where I could benefit more from other treatment options, like counselling, art therapy and group work. I am grateful that I was able to see the potential of this first line of defense for myself.
• If you or your doctor feel like you may need to stay on your SSRIs for life because you're "addicted" get a new doctor, asap. Seriously. I have heard this and I have read this. This was never where I was at and I am so grateful. The doctor handling my medication assured me that we would work together to get on them, and off them when the time came.
• Feeling like you haven't made progress, when you're in the middle of a withdrawal, is common. The symptoms are similar. Work with your doctor (one who knows they're stuff thoroughly) and stick through it. If the timing is right, you will get to the other side!
• Eat well. This can be tough if you would rather eat nothing at all, or if all you want is carbs and sugars. Three meals, and snacks in between, that are high in protein and complex carbs and low in fat and simple sugars. This will help keep you balanced as your body is flushing the stores. Acupuncture can help with this too.
• If you can, get your prescriptions filled at a smaller pharmacy where you can build a relationship with the pharmacist. It helped me a lot to know that I could talk to mine whenever I had questions.
  
• Even if you have reduced to the lowest dosage available of your medication, you can still go lower! It is often suggested to reduce to every second day, and then every third. Have patience. Take your time. Going slowly means a happy transition. Otherwise, the alternative is putting a huge strain on your loved ones, and having to buy new shirts when you tear them apart to flex your big green muscles!

At the end of it all, the good news is that I'm medication free. If taken back in time, would I go through it again knowing that the first med would wire me up like a kid on Coke and candy? That I would get incredibly lethargic and irritable whenever I was in the midst of a dosage transition? That not working through the withdrawal as carefully as I could would make we want to hide like a werewolf on the edge of a full moon? Absolutely!

~***~

So let's keep riding this Joy train! Next stop - The Happy Monday Photo Challenge

This is my first week participating and I was really excited about the theme. Sunrise/Sunset. Unfortunately, and understandably, I was melting down a little after a day of errands and country roads yesterday, and needed to be home, instead of out playing with sunsets as I had planned :( Boo. However, keeping on the theme of this post, I am excited to share with you a picture I took in the summer that was an absolute moment of Found Joy.

It was early in the morning, my sweetie was out of town, and I had just woken up from a particularly unsettling nightmare. I got out of bed, restless. I happened to look out the window and was greeted by this wonderful sunrise.

It made my day okay :)


~***~

Here's something a little more recent. I started this on Friday and promised myself I would work on it for 3 days.

The first stage was the most fun! Ribbon, cotton batting, white paint smeared on with a kitchen spatula. Green paint layered on with a fork, yep, a fork, then detailed with rosemary. Yep. Rosemary.

Added some water colour tints. I thought I was done at this point. Until I came out of my poorly lit art space and realized I wasn't :)

Ta da! The finished product. It took guts to go bold with the next layer!

Three pictures, three stages, three days. I'm grateful that I stayed committed to it. I'm gaining a lot more depth through layering, and patience :) All it needs is the dates written into it, and a title. Perhaps, JOY 2011? :)

~***~

Okay, now it's your turn! Please share with me in the comments a quick snippet of something that brings/has brought you Joy! It doesn't have to recent, or it could be something that happened today :)

This video brings me Joy. Ari Hest is my new favourite voice, and watching/listening to him sign with his mom is like being hugged.

Monday's Music Moves Me

Alphabet Soup - I is for Inspired

Wow, what a weekend!

Saturday I attended the every WOMAN 2011 conference. What I thought was going to be simply a day to be physical active, with like minded women, and a chance to try some new types of fitness classes - was so much more than I expected. I've been inspired!

Here's what I learned from the conference:

• I love conferences! When I was a teenager I became involved in leadership conferences, and other youth conferences. The energy was so incredible. I'm realizing that I love it when large groups of people come together to learn (especially when it's about themselves) for a short and intense duration of time.

• I like to be directly involved. It meets my need for belonging and my love of knowing how things work behind the scenes. ***Here's a big tip for all you starving artists - if registration costs are a little too much for you, find out if you can volunteer!*** That's what I did, and it granted me entry and a place on the team. And I am so glad I did. I was able to pop into a dreams to goals workshop that wasn't on my schedule, and it created some wonderful shifts in my perspective!

• Visualization exercises make me teary.

• I want to be an artist. Not quietly in my own space. Like out there on other people's walls, loud and proud, using my eventual BFA for professional gain, not just personal.

• Everything I need is inside of me!

• Hula Hooping is an amazing form of exercise that works muscles that I haven't been able to get at before. And so much fun! We were all laughing and cheering each other on. Even when a couple of us got hit in the face :) Want one, now!!

• Creating more structure in my life will leave me feeling like I have more freedom!

• Feeling controlled still triggers me big time.

• Art Journaling every day is possible, and probable, and can have a valued space in my schedule.

• I'm cute, and I'm okay with it. Cute in the sweet, and adorable way. Like an energetic puppy.

• I like being sexy, and I'm learning to enjoy it and be more refined in how I am. Being sexy isn't something I need to be known as. It's an underlying part of me, and there's a time and a place to vamp it up, and boy do I know how now. Even something as simple as enjoying the way my arm feels to me... is very attractive.

What an amazing experience! So, 5:00 hit that night, and I got right down to my art journaling. Thanks again Emily, for sharing yours and inspiring me. Here's one side of my first entry, using some of the doodling techniques I've been playing with, that captures a bit of what inspired me at the conference...

The amazingness didn't end there. Yesterday, the sweetie and I went on a day trip adventure. As we were preparing everything the night before, he suggested we bring the Drawing Lab book for the ferry ride, since we missed our weekly assignment. Seriously!? I hadn't want to suggest it. Drawing is something he's still getting comfortable with. Sure enough, we whipped it out as soon as we got settled on board. (I forgot our supplies, though I was able to dig a pen and pencil out of my computer bag, and improvise with what I'm hoping were snack bags). The assignment we chose was left handed portraits of each other, which had us trying to keep our volume down while we were giggling. I was so inspired by him and his portrait of me that I wanted to share his along with mine.

(Yep, that's right. He's a rightie, and drew this with his left!)

You know what else inspires me, and makes me super teary... when he told me, on a couple of different occasions now... that just being around me makes him more creative.

Wait, the story doesn't end here. There's more! While I was at the conference on Saturday I got an email that my place on hold for a book at the library (that I've been waiting patiently and eagerly for) had finally come up. The library was right around the corner from the conference so I was able to pick it up on the way home. It came with on the ferry ride yesterday too, and Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project is exactly what I need to carry the energy from the conference forward and turn my plans into actions. She's right. Some people really do learn from reading others' experiences, even if they are not monumental. Similar to Noelle Oxenhandler's Wishing Year, it seems, so far, to be a great blend of personal goals and triumphs, supported by well researched and enlightening information. I've only made it to the end of January in her journey, and I am already incredibly inspired. Following suit, I'm going to make a monthly chart to track some of my daily goals too :)(I'm actually looking forward to it!) I'm also looking forward to my new early bed time, because built in with that is a half an hour of indulgent reading in bed before lights out. Is it bed time yet? I super excited to see what happens in February of Gretchen's Happiness Project

Oh, I almost forgot. One more thing that I want to share with you. I'm guest blogging on Friday, over in Cinderitaville, the land of inspiration. I was a little stumped what to write about, until my current favourite foliage gave me a nudge on Saturday. Y'all know that I've been completely inspired by our Christmas tree. It became the subject for my camera again, and made it into my 365 project, appearing on day 22. :)

Now on to Monday's Music Moves Me! Yesterday it was recommended that I check out Explosions in the Sky. I've been in need of some good instrumental music to inspire me while focusing on school work or art adventures, and I think I've found it!

Alphabet Soup - H is for Hoping

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

This is the epitome of me and what I believe. Now. Up until two or three years ago, I could easily have been described as the exact opposite.

I can remember as a teenager describing myself as a pessimistic optimist. I figured that if I planned for the worst, than whatever did happen would at least be better than that. Sad. I couldn't count on anyone, not even myself. I expected people to let me down.

We are constantly bombarded with the message that as long as you know what you want anything is possible. Well, how can you even imagine what you want if you didn't believe you could have anything? If things did turn out, it was just a fluke, or luck. When things were going well, it scared the pants off of me. It meant that something was just around the corner to balance it out. I was always waiting for that other shoe to drop.

Then I moved across the country, because I wanted to. Got a job that I purposely picked and succeeded to secure. The manifestation movement was kicking up a big stir around this time. It made things so simple and concrete. Know what you want, commit to wanting it and let it come. And it worked. It had nothing to do with who you were as a person, or how much you suffered for things. Just clarity.

An amazing book I read a couple of years ago really helped to push the door open further. The Wishing Year by Noelle Oxenhandler spoke to me, and I could relate so well to her history and journey. She too felt like suffering was the standard. Her story gave a lot of weight to wishing and hoping. I think I took myself on a trip for my 30th birthday shortly after I read it. Lovely train ride and B&B with a hot tub and wine under the stars. I even took myself out to dinner and bought myself a beautiful turquoise ring. I started to make lists, particularly what I wanted to find in a partner.

This past fall, I read the book again. This time out loud to the most amazing man I have ever shared my world with (who is 90-95% of everything on my list). It opened my eyes even wider.

Here's an excerpt of an email I wrote at that time to the author:

The manifestation movement is what sparked my realization that I could bring to me what I wanted, but I loved that you found a way of doing it holistically. That you embrace abundance for yourself, and for others. The balance. I had a breakdown at the beginning of the summer, and am now dealing with things I wasn't prepared to 15 years ago, and, in general, 32 years of hurt. (I told * this morning that I wanted an ice pack for my heart!) As we travel through the months of your year, I'm reminded that I can want for myself. I have the classic tendency to put more effort into meeting and attending everyone else's needs. What I am beginning to truly believe is that I can wish for them, and wait for their requests for help, and that it's okay to ask of others to give to me (gulp).

Without a doubt, your book and experience are what helped me become comfortable with being optimistic. To maintain positivity and not fear what's around the next corner. And this what I wanted to share with * when I started reading it to him, and almost everyone I know! That we do not need to suffer or prove that we have earned what we ask for, or receive. We are all deserving, which I believe now more than ever.

There you have it in writing. I am an optimist, loud and proud. When things are good, I embrace it and know in my heart that there is more to come. The dips and bumps are not the baseline. If you want to focus on the negative, I will not join in. I am a creative problem solver and I know that there is always a way through, or over, or under, or around.

Happy Wishing!

Alphabet Soup - G is for (pt.2)

G is for Giving Way, and Giveaways!

In part one of this two-part mega post, I mentioned giving way, referring to the space we allow people when making decisions. Room to breathe. So we don't accidently step on their oxygen and choke them, oops.

I realized today that there is another way we give way. Just as we give way to the choices others make, we give way to the choices that seem to be made for us. I don't think I believe in fate or destiny. I do, however, believe in things that fit us and that sometimes we are slower to see and realize them than we are to experience them, even as they're happening. By giving way to my artistic passion and creative ability my life is becoming simpler. Tasks that I would struggle with when I was forcing myself down paths that didn't quite fit right, have become easier. I whipped off a resume last night for a potential part time position in record time. No hair pulling, cussing, or name calling. I actually enjoyed writing the interests section, because I had them :)

It's kind of like Michaelangelo and the marble that became David.

"In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it."

Giving way, is an active process. It's more than just letting go, or letting things be, or appear. We need to be directly involved - listening, watching - allowing.

And here are two things you can be directly involved in :) Giveaways!

First, a photo challenge. Which I've decided to expand to be an art challenge. I am accepting photos or any art pieces that represent JOY! They can be emailed to me at creativelysensitive@gmail.com. I will post them up for your viewing, and voting. The winner will receive... drum roll... any one of my photos on Flickr.

Second, I signed on for a Pay it Forward program through Jodi at Living Life Photographically. The first three people who contact me and request to be involved, by comment or by email, will receive something hand made by me. All I ask is that you make something handmade for three people, and so on.

Alphabet Soup - G is for (pt.1)

G is for Going Away and Giving Way

The past two weeks have felt like two months. In a good way, of course :) Jammed packed and full of wonderful twists and turns. The last week of December we packed up and headed off, twice. Going away brings me much joy. It's the combination of adventure, plus change of pace and change of scenery. Simply being at the airport makes me giddy, and I frequent the country grocery markets here just so I have an excuse to wander the back roads.

As I've mentioned before, my recent travel has (so far) been limited to Canada and the US because of food allergies, and the inability to eat in restaurants. For me, this means a place with a kitchen, and access to decent groceries. I am always open to hearing feedback on how other people manage. My one piece of advice to you, is having your own kitchen gear. No matter where we go, we always have a large ziploc bag filled with safe mini-spices, mini dish soap and grape seed oil, hemp and chia seed, a couple of portions of buckwheat flakes for porridge and some coffee for my sweetie. It's always at the ready in our cupboard at home, just in case of spontaneous trippage.

If we're traveling by plane, I stash some staples in my suitcase, like rice cakes, cashew butter and pancake mix. For the plane rides, one night hotel trips, or long road trips, I usually load up a small travel cooler with a dinner, and snacks. (I've just nailed a muffin recipe which I will attach at the end :) Speaking of travel coolers, we're on the hunt for a classy looking one on wheels. Any leads?

Now, if it's a multi-night trip by car (truck), I also throw in our two kitchen bins from our camping equipment. One includes pots and pans, mixing bowls, dishes and cups. The other has cutlery, utensils, tin foil, parchment paper, ziploc bags, knives and cutting boards, measuring cups and spoons, dish cloths and towels. If you're staying in a place that is half stocked, like our first trip at the end of December, you can rest easy knowing you have everything else covered. If you're staying with a large group of people all sharing the same kitchen, like we did at New Year's, then you can create a lovely uncontaminated buffer around you with your safe wares. The added bonus of heading off to a destination within driving distance, and lacking border crossings, is that you can fill up your cooler and car with all of your familiar groceries and staples before you leave home. Otherwise, you kind of just have to wing it when you arrive.

Which doesn't seem to be an option in struggling countries like Cuba, where I'm told the freshest and most varied foods can only be found at the resorts, already cooked and in chafing dishes. Our friends are planning a trip there in February, and it's frustrating to be restricted this way. Yes, money's a factor, but ultimately I'm not going because of food. I tried to suggest other venues, Las Vegas, Arizona. Still hot enough to lay out by the pool, and with the added comfort of a Trader Joe's or Whole Foods around the corner? No, oh. I tried to convince my sweetie to stay. Wouldn't he just spend most of his time missing me, and not enjoying himself? You can do both... oh. He stopped bringing it up because my pouting face was reflexively triggered at any mention of it.

And then I gave way. I'm not a fan of the term - giving in, or letting go. Giving way feels more empowered. I wised up and realized that a week away for my sweetie would be so good for him. On a beach, with his friends. Especially if he wasn't worrying about me, and could eat and drink with careless abandon. I would have the apartment, and the bed, to myself for a week. And maybe, I can start saving up for a girls trip this spring, all my own. He and I will have our time at some gorgeous beach villa, with full kitchen, somewhere in our future. I'm sure of it.

This video is for him. Not generally my first choice of music. It's one of his faves though, and it seemed fitting.

Blueberry Muffins

*gluten free, dairy free, corn free, soy free, nut free

In a large bowl combine:

1/4 cup each rice, tapioca and buckwheat flour

1/2 cup of buckwheat flakes

3 tsp baking powder (allergy safe)

2 tsp cinnamon

1/4 tsp salt

1/4 tsp baking soda

2 tbsp hemp seed

In a blender combine:

1 cup coarsely grated carrot

1 pear, peeled and coarsely grated

1 egg

2 tbsp grape seed oil

3 tbsp pure maple syrup

Puree, then pour into dry ingredients. Add 1/3 cup water to blender to loosen remaining ingredients and add to dry ingredients as well.

Stir to combine.

Add 1/2 cup frozen blueberries.

Line a 12 cup muffin tin with paper liners.

Divide batter into the cups.

Bake for 30 min at 400 degrees F.

[ I just wrote this into my new Moleskine Recipe Journal that I got for Christmas! Yay, no more scraps of paper floating freely :) ]

Alphabet Soup - C is for Career Change

I was planning on sharing that chicken curry recipe with you today, since it's Alphabet Soup Sunday and all. Then the reverb prompt came in.

Let go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

For me, this has been the year of letting go. I wrote about some of it in my first reverb post here. One of the biggest changes has been letting go of the career path I was on. The path that I was convincing myself I needed to be on. In oder to do that I needed to let go of many perceptions and ideals, mainly about myself, and my worth. Wouldn't a C for Chicken post be so much for fun, and light, to write about instead? Alas, I'm realizing through my current tension and tears, that this is what needs to come out, right now. Big breath, and here we go.

I was late to the career game. I left high school without finishing, partly because I wanted to prove that I didn't need an education (Bill Gates?) and partly because (what I am only understanding now) I was overwhelmed by the effects of trauma. I wanted to be an actress, or a filmmaker, and that lasted until my early twenties, when it became clear that if I wanted a grounded life, I needed a "career". Which meant that I needed an education. Sigh, give in.

It took me a year to decide on a diploma in Child and Youth Work. I was too afraid to tackle a degree and this program seemed like a good fit. I have a natural tendency to read people's behaviour, and I was so very good at taking care of others. I was working in the field before I was finished my first year. I loved it. I was challenged. It was intense and I could see the result of my work clearly in the teens I was helping. It took me five or six years to finish a three year program because I was determined not to take student loans. I Needed to work, and I needed to do it all. Needless to say, my health was not at its best. I found a way though, to work fewer hours, and finish that diploma.

And then I fell in love with the West Coast. And I Had to move, because it's what my heart wanted. I new immediately that it was the right decision. The slower pace of the city I moved to is so good for me. I am not being bombarded and overstimulated daily. And it came with a cost. That diploma I had freshly finished would only grant me a position as an Educational Assistant, since Child and Youth Workers aren't utilized in the classrooms here. Some schools have one Youth and Family Counselor, which would mean upgrading my diploma to a degree. Which I decided to do, because there was a great bridging agreement. And a degree would eventually grant me access to a (coveted) Masters in Counseling. And then, then, I would make decent money.

I didn't love the degree courses the way I really dug some of the diploma courses. There were a few, and they were more related to counseling in general. Also, my issues with writing and deadlines were really rearing their ugly head. It felt like I was slogging through mud. It didn't help that my job happiness was on a slow decline as well. There wasn't enough of a challenge for me, probably not enough gratification and validation, and the environment was toxic (dealing with the admin staff made me feel like I was back in high school). And again, reduced hours to help balance the school work load, frequent time off for health concerns. I remember Maverick asking me why I did the job I did, especially since the pay was so low. I told him that I really loved to help people, to which he responded that there were other ways to give of yourself. I couldn't see it. It needed to be my job.

Then the breakdown. Then the leave. Then the rebuilding. In the process I've been learning how easily I would offer my help to others, and how difficult it has been to consider helping myself. I was so good at my job because I was so tuned in to everybody else's needs, emotions, reactions. I thought I was an incredibly self-aware person, and in a way I was, except it was always reflective. Ask me in the moment how I was feeling, or what I was needing, and I would probably come up blank. Two fabulous words I've been incorporating more into my vocabulary are No and I. They come in handy when I feel swayed by the glory of someone needing me. Which is much less often now, since I'm learning that we gain so much more when we take care of ourselves first. Remember how they told you on the plane to put your oxygen mask on before helping with someone else's?

So what about a career? Here's what that process is going to look like now. For one, I'm not returning to work and will embrace student loan debt with open arms. I'm currently upgrading my missing high school puzzle pieces so I can complete a Bachelors of Science - a double major in Computer Science and Psychology! Computer Science is something I never would have considered if my world hadn't been turned upside down. And yet it's a perfect fit - creative and ordered :) Hopefully I can utilize some of the diploma and degree credits I already have for the Psychology requirements, and the door to the Masters in Counseling will be wide open. When I go through the course descriptions for both majors, I get excited. No trepidation, just simple eagerness to move forward.

And now I dream of finding a job that will bring me joy, and a lot of money so I can enjoy my life and all of its adventures. That's a whole lot of new for me. And it's okay. I've been volunteering since I've been on leave and I'm learning that giving back and being helpful can be found everywhere. I don't have to hand myself over with all of my energy, and get little in return, to believe that I'm making a difference.

So here's to letting go of dreams that were nothing more than poorly formed beliefs in disguise. And here's to grabbing on, and holding tight, to dreams that carry you to greater heights and allow you to soar.

Alphabet Soup - B is for Boyfriend

The subject for this post was picked last week. Alas, here I sit not wanting to write it. I am feeling sad, lonely, and frustrated. I've decided that I must follow through. Perhaps by writing this post I will pry myself loose and remember why I was so eager and excited to write it and share it with you in the first place.

There is a wonderful man in my life. After fifteen years or so, of poor choices and questionable boundaries, I met the man of my dreams. We had a whirlwind romance, and our ever expanding mash-up of friends love when we retell our story, from both sides. Perhaps I will post the whole thing at some point in the future. The condensed version is that we met in line at the grocery store and had a great laugh together, and an instant connection. It was just before my birthday last year, and we were headed to two separate birthday parties: mine, and a very close friend of his. This year we celebrated those birthdays together.

It's been like a roller coaster for us. Lots of hanging on tight and facing down the fear, a lot of incredible highs and exhilaration, and the realization of the strength you've gained from staying on the ride. So in celebration of the past 14 months together, 7 of which I now realize we've been co-habitating, here are 14 things I love about, and am grateful for in my partner:

1. I love that you have stood by me through my breakdown and rebuilding
2. I am grateful that my feeling "safe" was so important to you from the moment we started dating
3. I love how much you have challenged yourself and how much you have grown in the time that I have known you
4. I am so grateful that you made it look effortless to create a safe kitchen for me, first in your place and then in ours.
5. I love that you brush your teeth the instant you walk in the door so you can kiss me without fear of what you ate in the outside world, and that you didn't even flinch when I first asked you to do this
6. I am so grateful for the appearances, with nutrition and encouragement, on my very long runs when I was training for my very first marathon
7. I love that every time I asked you if I would complete the marathon, with so much doubt in my own voice, you always had a steadfast yes.
8. I am so grateful that you treated me kindly every time I wanted to run from this relationship, even when one of those attempted break-ups was in the middle of your dear friends' wedding.
9. I love that after one of those near-endings, you held me in your sleep, the entire night. I think that is when I truly fell in love with you.
10. I am so grateful for your patience with me after the breakdown, when I couldn't even bear to be touched
11. I love that you can be ridiculously silly, and I love how much we laugh, and how hard we laugh sometimes.
12. I am so grateful that being active and being outdoors is important to you, and that you love doing these things together. I love that part of the excitement with your newest hobby is that it's something we can do together as well.
13. I love how much you love your friends, and how much love they have for you, and now for me too.
14. I am so grateful that you are the kind of man who would drag a full size cooler through a high star hotel's lobby for me, because you knew it would make me safe and happy.

Now here I am, my eyes welling, finally freed from my black and white thinking of the past couple of days. I have an incredible, intelligent, affectionate man who admires me greatly and encourages me to soar. Ok, so maybe communication is not one of our strong suits at times, and luckily forgiveness is. I think we want so much to take care of each other that we get a little lost when trying to ask for what we need ourselves. Hey, we can't be all awesome, all the time, can we? :)

So here's to my man and me, and to you for keeping me honest.

A tribute to me and my maverick's first year together.

Alphabet Soup - A is for Allergies

Hello! Welcome to the first official post of my blog! How exciting is that? I've decided to follow the lead of some of my fellow blog-ettes, and start a theme day. Yes it's early days, but it will help me get into a rhythm and routine :) Every Sunday I will be waxing poetic about something that starts with the next letter of the alphabet. Alphabet Soup Sunday... Fun!

So... my original idea was to start a website, or blog, where I could share with the world how it is that I travel. Traveling seems like an easy thing to most people. Winning an all-inclusive week away at a fabulous resort would make most people ecstatic. For me, a week away would involve an extensive amount of researching and planning, and probably wouldn't occur at a resort. Why? Because my digestive system has decided that it doesn't want to deal with most of the common foods that most people enjoy. Eating out has become a thing of the past, and social dinners and brunches with friends now occur in my own kitchen.

Here's my list of absolute no-no's:

Gluten - Dairy - Corn - Soy - Caffeine - Coffee - Chocolate - Coconut - Sesame - Tomatoes - Garlic - Vinegar - Alcohol - Pork - Beef

Not to mention that I am also allergic to smoke and dust, and I am highly sensitive to scents and fragrances.

Traveling for me looks like vacation rentals with a complete kitchen, a map of the best and closest grocery stores, and luggage heavy with stowed food staples. Needless to say, since the uncovering of the bulk of these sensitivities, I haven't ventured farther than Canada or the United States.

Now, here's the twist. This has turned into more than just an allergy-free/travel blog. Yes, I will be posting recipes, and links to great new products and sharing with you how I managed on adventures away. Here's the difference... allergies aren't the only thing that make me sensitive. A few months ago I had a pretty severe breakdown. It was textbook PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and I realized that I had been living in a hyper-sensitive survival mode for the past 15 years or so. New people and new environments are daunting to me and I have days where leaving the house is an accomplishment.

And when all of these different sensitivities are combined, it can often make simple tasks completely overwhelming. For example, attending a group function, in another town, becomes a tactical challenge. It means thinking ahead to managing interactions with a large amount of unknown people, finding safe spaces to recharge, and drawing little attention to myself as I coordinate safe ways to cook, or bring in, my own food.

Okay, I know this sounds like it could all be quite a downer, for me the one living it, and you the one reading it. Guess what? It's not! Finding ways to eat safely has given me back so much of my energy - which on a good day is quite a lot! And the breakdown? I am so grateful it happened. It gave me the chance to finally put everything down, and start fresh. Rebuild from the ground up, and get the foundation nice and solid this time. The best part, (aside from the obvious, like having more confidence and energy, and being able to connect more with people), is that I've realized an artistic side of myself. I love to paint, draw, make pottery, and consider myself pretty talented too! A wonderful new to way for me to connect to me, and to the world around me.

So come along for the ride, if you'd like. It would be great to have you on this journey <3

Best Wishing!