Photo/art

I want to share with you one of my new fave pics.

I took it a day after Valentine's, when the beautiful roses I was given by my sweetie started to open. It was late, and the light was low. Before spending time with Amelia in her Experimental Art e-Course, I probably would have dragged them under the light and shot them relentlessly until I got a bright, crisp, perfect photo.

Except I didn't. I climbed right out of that comfort zone. Sometimes it's necessary for the sharpness, yes, I haven't let that go entirely. Other times it's more beautiful to let things be softer.

I love how it turned out. Like something out of an Andy Warhol painting. Andy Warhol meets Georgia O'Keefe.

I was tempted to figure out how to flip it so it faces the other way. I fought the urge, and was rewarded by finding Kat Sloma's blog, and her interesting discussion about breaking the Rule of Thirds. This one doesn't follow the rule, I checked, and I am embracing that as well, in this photo and ones to come.

So thank you Amelia and Kat, for encouraging the uniqueness that results from knowing when to break the rules, or work outside of them. That's where we find ourselves sometimes, yes?

To add it to the portfolio submission, or not... that's a whole other question.

Now, I want to share with you my new crush. Picnik. It's an online photo editing program that you can use to add some pretty neat effects to your photos. I'm still terrified of Photoshop and I think this is a really simple way to ramp up the look of what I've captured... until Photoshop and I become more acquainted.

Here's the Before

I sifted through several different effects, and settled on Lomo-ish.

One click, and...

Ta-da!

I knew I liked this program when I tried it on Valentine's Day...

Now I think it might be the beginning of love ;)

Wishcasting - Artist

Wishcasting Wednesday:
What aspect of your personality do you wish to express more of?

The artist. I know I bang on about this a lot. It's on my mind right now as I prepare my application to the Visual Arts BFA program I'm completely excited about. It's a double major paired up with Computer Science, and just the idea of it makes me drool. Like Pavlov's dog, thinking about spending my days having art education poured into me, and releasing it onto canvas, clay, or film.

Oh, and confidence. I'd like to express more of that too, please :)

Click here to help me sort through my Portfolio submissions!

Comfort

Did I tell you that we felt an earthquake here this week? Just a little one, about 3.2 on the Richter Scale. Just enough to give you pause, and remind you that the solid ground beneath you is always shifting.

I've been shaking things up in my art this week too. Breaking out of some comfort zones. Now, I'm well aware of my penchant and passion for capturing on "film" grandiose, sweeping landscapes and super sharp, precise macros. Project 365 has been helping to kick me out of that box, pushing me to look for uniqueness at all angles, and I got an even bigger kick from Amelia this week, in my Experimental Art e-Course. We've been exploring the experimental edge of photography. Blurry shapes, shadows and more. I am so happy I was able to give way to this, because I've been getting great results.

Playing with less light.

Playing with editing
(Original here)

This next one is actually one of my favourites of all time, and will be making its way into my BFA application. Which I am working on this weekend!!

~***~

On the flip side, as I explore my way outside of my comfort zones, I've been finding and creating comfort as well. Another assignment I had this week, in an entirely different milieu, was to make a Comfort Box. Earthquake preparedness is part of the norm here, and students bring little comfort kits into their schools at the beginning of the year to be stored in earthquake bins in the school yard. This is kind of similar, except it's meant to bring you comfort and safety when you're feeling the unsteady ground emotionally. Plus I was able to decorate mine, and the items I chose to put in it are not only reminders of the love and support I'm blanketed in, they are also reminders of my growth.

I was really happy with how it turned out too. I was drawn to a sturdy tin, that smells like crayons inside. First I prettied up the outside. Then I added some broken crayons and blank card stock, and a mini iPod, and I plan to collage some messages into the lid and bottom. I've decided to keep my keys in it, so that I focus my attention on it every time I head out into the world from the comfort of home. And every time I return back to it as well.

This little project was also very timed. As you know, my sweetie is heading to Cuba for a week, and as much as I am overjoyed for him, I've been a little rattled. Nightmares like to sneak in and taunt me when they know that he's not tucked up beside me, my guardian. However, I am now feeling a little more settled and prepared, knowing that I armed with comfort.

~***~

Hmm... if only I could find a way to put this in there too. (My sweetie is almost always guaranteed a laugh, or at least a smile, from me when he does an imitation of one of our favourites) :o)

Alphabet Soup - K is for...

Alphabet Soup - J is for JOY

Alphabet Soup Sunday is growing and evolving. I think they would be more aptly named Alphabet Soup of the Soul now, as they share a little insight into me, are often somewhat cathartic, and tend to appear a lot closer to Monday than Sunday ;)

I woke up this morning happy, no, excited. I woke up excited this morning. Kind of like this:

I woke to the birds and the best of intentions.

I will try every way I know to express them.

Adapted from Breakthrough

by Isaac Dust

What a fabulous way to start a day!

For starters, today is the last day for submissions to the JOY photo challenge. I will be posting them up for you to indulge in first thing in the morning. That means you still have one more day to grab your cameras, or dig through your photo boxes and media files!

There will be a week of voting to decide the winner, and then? Following that, there will be a week of voting on my potential B.F.A. application/portfolio submissions. I need your help! (insight, feedback, gentle critiques). So exciting!

~***~

Ok, so let's talk about Joy! Here's the plan. I'm going to pour my heart out a little, and share with you what's been going on the past week and a half. Then I'm going to have a bit of a creative projects show and tell. Then I'm going to give it up to you to share some Joy, since it's my favourite topic!

Here's a little something to listen to while you're reading this :) One of my faves, from back in the days...

If you've been reading along with me lately you will know that I've been having a grand ol' time! Conferences and day trips, gaining and gifting blog awards, two excellent days at my dreamy new part-time job, my very first ever guest post and a super fab and swanky date with my sweetie. And, on several occasions I was told that I had made someone's day! All of that crammed into the past 9 days.

It was probably one of the most rewarding weeks I've had. It was also one of the most challenging. That's the beauty of Joy. It carried me through, and I was still able to share it with you.

What you probably didn't see through all this triumph, was me in some wicked Serotonin Withdrawal. If you, or someone you know, is taking, or considering taking, an SSRI (anti-depressant and/or anti-anxiety), please listen up, then go online and do as much research as you possibly can. I thought that I had done well, and was reducing mine carefully. I could have done more to avoid this incredibly intense roller coaster I've been riding for 2-3 weeks.

The first couple of days were great. Then I turned into the Hulk with PMS and a constant low-grade migraine. It started out as a tight head and dizziness, and a slight edge of nausea. Then we threw in some sucky-ness, whiny-ness and the easily weepies. Which could quickly turn to irritability, rage, and explosiveness. Oh, and the self-doubt, unforgivingness and extreme sensitivity to even a whiff of perceived control. (Those last three were a lovely combination with my excellent timing of trying to implement more structure and scheduling into my life!)

Thursday was the worst of it. That moment on the roller coaster when you're slowly click, click, clicking to the top of the biggest hill, and you look down and think, how am I ever going to survive this? Thursday I had an I'm not leaving the house day, well, more like an I'm not leaving my bed day. I couldn't even tolerate light. These are the types of days I had plenty of when I first fell to the mercy of this breakdown. I hadn't had a full cocoon day like this in months. (The quiet also helped me realize that I was also experiencing brain-zaps (paresthesia) which can be best described as a pulse-like shock or shiver).

This is the point when many people coming off of anti-depressants/anti-anxieties give up. They think that maybe they weren't ready. Also, one of the things you might read in the online forums, is people in the middle of withdrawal, swearing that they never would have gone on them in the first place if they knew what it would be like to get off of them. I want to add a little balance to that perspective.

Disclaimer - I am not a doctor, I don't play one on tv, and I'm not sleeping with a drug rep.

• Choosing to go on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication to deal with the Post-Traumatic breakdown was a tough decision. I used to work in mental health services, and I knew logically that they could help get me to a place where I could benefit more from other treatment options, like counselling, art therapy and group work. I am grateful that I was able to see the potential of this first line of defense for myself.
• If you or your doctor feel like you may need to stay on your SSRIs for life because you're "addicted" get a new doctor, asap. Seriously. I have heard this and I have read this. This was never where I was at and I am so grateful. The doctor handling my medication assured me that we would work together to get on them, and off them when the time came.
• Feeling like you haven't made progress, when you're in the middle of a withdrawal, is common. The symptoms are similar. Work with your doctor (one who knows they're stuff thoroughly) and stick through it. If the timing is right, you will get to the other side!
• Eat well. This can be tough if you would rather eat nothing at all, or if all you want is carbs and sugars. Three meals, and snacks in between, that are high in protein and complex carbs and low in fat and simple sugars. This will help keep you balanced as your body is flushing the stores. Acupuncture can help with this too.
• If you can, get your prescriptions filled at a smaller pharmacy where you can build a relationship with the pharmacist. It helped me a lot to know that I could talk to mine whenever I had questions.
  
• Even if you have reduced to the lowest dosage available of your medication, you can still go lower! It is often suggested to reduce to every second day, and then every third. Have patience. Take your time. Going slowly means a happy transition. Otherwise, the alternative is putting a huge strain on your loved ones, and having to buy new shirts when you tear them apart to flex your big green muscles!

At the end of it all, the good news is that I'm medication free. If taken back in time, would I go through it again knowing that the first med would wire me up like a kid on Coke and candy? That I would get incredibly lethargic and irritable whenever I was in the midst of a dosage transition? That not working through the withdrawal as carefully as I could would make we want to hide like a werewolf on the edge of a full moon? Absolutely!

~***~

So let's keep riding this Joy train! Next stop - The Happy Monday Photo Challenge

This is my first week participating and I was really excited about the theme. Sunrise/Sunset. Unfortunately, and understandably, I was melting down a little after a day of errands and country roads yesterday, and needed to be home, instead of out playing with sunsets as I had planned :( Boo. However, keeping on the theme of this post, I am excited to share with you a picture I took in the summer that was an absolute moment of Found Joy.

It was early in the morning, my sweetie was out of town, and I had just woken up from a particularly unsettling nightmare. I got out of bed, restless. I happened to look out the window and was greeted by this wonderful sunrise.

It made my day okay :)


~***~

Here's something a little more recent. I started this on Friday and promised myself I would work on it for 3 days.

The first stage was the most fun! Ribbon, cotton batting, white paint smeared on with a kitchen spatula. Green paint layered on with a fork, yep, a fork, then detailed with rosemary. Yep. Rosemary.

Added some water colour tints. I thought I was done at this point. Until I came out of my poorly lit art space and realized I wasn't :)

Ta da! The finished product. It took guts to go bold with the next layer!

Three pictures, three stages, three days. I'm grateful that I stayed committed to it. I'm gaining a lot more depth through layering, and patience :) All it needs is the dates written into it, and a title. Perhaps, JOY 2011? :)

~***~

Okay, now it's your turn! Please share with me in the comments a quick snippet of something that brings/has brought you Joy! It doesn't have to recent, or it could be something that happened today :)

This video brings me Joy. Ari Hest is my new favourite voice, and watching/listening to him sign with his mom is like being hugged.

Monday's Music Moves Me

Alphabet Soup - H is for Hoping

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

This is the epitome of me and what I believe. Now. Up until two or three years ago, I could easily have been described as the exact opposite.

I can remember as a teenager describing myself as a pessimistic optimist. I figured that if I planned for the worst, than whatever did happen would at least be better than that. Sad. I couldn't count on anyone, not even myself. I expected people to let me down.

We are constantly bombarded with the message that as long as you know what you want anything is possible. Well, how can you even imagine what you want if you didn't believe you could have anything? If things did turn out, it was just a fluke, or luck. When things were going well, it scared the pants off of me. It meant that something was just around the corner to balance it out. I was always waiting for that other shoe to drop.

Then I moved across the country, because I wanted to. Got a job that I purposely picked and succeeded to secure. The manifestation movement was kicking up a big stir around this time. It made things so simple and concrete. Know what you want, commit to wanting it and let it come. And it worked. It had nothing to do with who you were as a person, or how much you suffered for things. Just clarity.

An amazing book I read a couple of years ago really helped to push the door open further. The Wishing Year by Noelle Oxenhandler spoke to me, and I could relate so well to her history and journey. She too felt like suffering was the standard. Her story gave a lot of weight to wishing and hoping. I think I took myself on a trip for my 30th birthday shortly after I read it. Lovely train ride and B&B with a hot tub and wine under the stars. I even took myself out to dinner and bought myself a beautiful turquoise ring. I started to make lists, particularly what I wanted to find in a partner.

This past fall, I read the book again. This time out loud to the most amazing man I have ever shared my world with (who is 90-95% of everything on my list). It opened my eyes even wider.

Here's an excerpt of an email I wrote at that time to the author:

The manifestation movement is what sparked my realization that I could bring to me what I wanted, but I loved that you found a way of doing it holistically. That you embrace abundance for yourself, and for others. The balance. I had a breakdown at the beginning of the summer, and am now dealing with things I wasn't prepared to 15 years ago, and, in general, 32 years of hurt. (I told * this morning that I wanted an ice pack for my heart!) As we travel through the months of your year, I'm reminded that I can want for myself. I have the classic tendency to put more effort into meeting and attending everyone else's needs. What I am beginning to truly believe is that I can wish for them, and wait for their requests for help, and that it's okay to ask of others to give to me (gulp).

Without a doubt, your book and experience are what helped me become comfortable with being optimistic. To maintain positivity and not fear what's around the next corner. And this what I wanted to share with * when I started reading it to him, and almost everyone I know! That we do not need to suffer or prove that we have earned what we ask for, or receive. We are all deserving, which I believe now more than ever.

There you have it in writing. I am an optimist, loud and proud. When things are good, I embrace it and know in my heart that there is more to come. The dips and bumps are not the baseline. If you want to focus on the negative, I will not join in. I am a creative problem solver and I know that there is always a way through, or over, or under, or around.

Happy Wishing!

reverb - 11 things

Click the pic

11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011?

How will you go about eliminating them?

How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

reverb 9 & 10 - Mind the Gap

The year 2008 was the year of the party. I can think of three off the top of my head that were off the charts amazing. Each hosted at my then apartment, which was conducive to loud music, and filled with fabulous people dancing and having a great time. Among those three there might have been: themes, a massive game of random create-your-own twister, and people drawing on the walls (ok, so there was paper on them too).

2009 worked hard to keep up, coming in at a close second with a last minute surge, thanks to a ridiculously fun night out of birthday dancing and a Christmas Eve pajama party.

2010 comes in last with, an A for effort, and a participatory ribbon. It was definitely full of potential: the most beautiful outdoor, island wedding ever, and a joint birthday (one being mine) with a Jersey Shore costume theme. Now, keep in mind that this was also the year of (big echo) The Breakdown. As such, I have become very aware of the anxiety or disconnect that has been impacting me in social settings for many years.

Now here's where the wisdom comes in. Now that I recognize this, I can make conscious preparations so that I can navigate my way through these gatherings with more ease. (Instead of trying to break up with an incredible man at the most beautiful wedding of the year, and then hiding out in our suite for the rest of the night. doh!) If I'm a guest I try know as much as I can about the event, and my exit strategies, before heading into it. If I'm hosting, it's all about managing my perceptions - experiencing things as they happen, not how I predict they will.

And occasionally it means chosing not to go, even it was an invitation I already accepted. The times I did were some of the wisest decisions I made this year. And a bit of a novelty too. Letting go of expectations, and the big old FOMO (fear of missing out) took a shift of mind - putting myself first. It saved me a lot of energy when I was really needing it.

The creative problem solving had to kick in at some point too, right? To bolster up my lacking social time, since not wanting to sit and watch people eat and drink seriously put a dent in it, I started an arts and crafts night with some of the friends I don't see enough. Once a month we get together at one of our cozy homes, and catch up and connect over glue and scissors :) It may not be dancing to the wee hours, but it fills my soul. 2010 gets an honourable mention for that!

Card made from a collage created at the first Arts & Crafts night in October

reverb

Dec. 9 - Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010?

Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, sheanigans.

Dec. 10 - Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year,

and how did it play out?

Alphabet Soup - C is for Career Change

I was planning on sharing that chicken curry recipe with you today, since it's Alphabet Soup Sunday and all. Then the reverb prompt came in.

Let go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

For me, this has been the year of letting go. I wrote about some of it in my first reverb post here. One of the biggest changes has been letting go of the career path I was on. The path that I was convincing myself I needed to be on. In oder to do that I needed to let go of many perceptions and ideals, mainly about myself, and my worth. Wouldn't a C for Chicken post be so much for fun, and light, to write about instead? Alas, I'm realizing through my current tension and tears, that this is what needs to come out, right now. Big breath, and here we go.

I was late to the career game. I left high school without finishing, partly because I wanted to prove that I didn't need an education (Bill Gates?) and partly because (what I am only understanding now) I was overwhelmed by the effects of trauma. I wanted to be an actress, or a filmmaker, and that lasted until my early twenties, when it became clear that if I wanted a grounded life, I needed a "career". Which meant that I needed an education. Sigh, give in.

It took me a year to decide on a diploma in Child and Youth Work. I was too afraid to tackle a degree and this program seemed like a good fit. I have a natural tendency to read people's behaviour, and I was so very good at taking care of others. I was working in the field before I was finished my first year. I loved it. I was challenged. It was intense and I could see the result of my work clearly in the teens I was helping. It took me five or six years to finish a three year program because I was determined not to take student loans. I Needed to work, and I needed to do it all. Needless to say, my health was not at its best. I found a way though, to work fewer hours, and finish that diploma.

And then I fell in love with the West Coast. And I Had to move, because it's what my heart wanted. I new immediately that it was the right decision. The slower pace of the city I moved to is so good for me. I am not being bombarded and overstimulated daily. And it came with a cost. That diploma I had freshly finished would only grant me a position as an Educational Assistant, since Child and Youth Workers aren't utilized in the classrooms here. Some schools have one Youth and Family Counselor, which would mean upgrading my diploma to a degree. Which I decided to do, because there was a great bridging agreement. And a degree would eventually grant me access to a (coveted) Masters in Counseling. And then, then, I would make decent money.

I didn't love the degree courses the way I really dug some of the diploma courses. There were a few, and they were more related to counseling in general. Also, my issues with writing and deadlines were really rearing their ugly head. It felt like I was slogging through mud. It didn't help that my job happiness was on a slow decline as well. There wasn't enough of a challenge for me, probably not enough gratification and validation, and the environment was toxic (dealing with the admin staff made me feel like I was back in high school). And again, reduced hours to help balance the school work load, frequent time off for health concerns. I remember Maverick asking me why I did the job I did, especially since the pay was so low. I told him that I really loved to help people, to which he responded that there were other ways to give of yourself. I couldn't see it. It needed to be my job.

Then the breakdown. Then the leave. Then the rebuilding. In the process I've been learning how easily I would offer my help to others, and how difficult it has been to consider helping myself. I was so good at my job because I was so tuned in to everybody else's needs, emotions, reactions. I thought I was an incredibly self-aware person, and in a way I was, except it was always reflective. Ask me in the moment how I was feeling, or what I was needing, and I would probably come up blank. Two fabulous words I've been incorporating more into my vocabulary are No and I. They come in handy when I feel swayed by the glory of someone needing me. Which is much less often now, since I'm learning that we gain so much more when we take care of ourselves first. Remember how they told you on the plane to put your oxygen mask on before helping with someone else's?

So what about a career? Here's what that process is going to look like now. For one, I'm not returning to work and will embrace student loan debt with open arms. I'm currently upgrading my missing high school puzzle pieces so I can complete a Bachelors of Science - a double major in Computer Science and Psychology! Computer Science is something I never would have considered if my world hadn't been turned upside down. And yet it's a perfect fit - creative and ordered :) Hopefully I can utilize some of the diploma and degree credits I already have for the Psychology requirements, and the door to the Masters in Counseling will be wide open. When I go through the course descriptions for both majors, I get excited. No trepidation, just simple eagerness to move forward.

And now I dream of finding a job that will bring me joy, and a lot of money so I can enjoy my life and all of its adventures. That's a whole lot of new for me. And it's okay. I've been volunteering since I've been on leave and I'm learning that giving back and being helpful can be found everywhere. I don't have to hand myself over with all of my energy, and get little in return, to believe that I'm making a difference.

So here's to letting go of dreams that were nothing more than poorly formed beliefs in disguise. And here's to grabbing on, and holding tight, to dreams that carry you to greater heights and allow you to soar.